WWJDWTC

I wanted to ignore it. From the moment I read it on my Google Reader, I wanted to ignore it. That should have been my first clue that God had something huge He wanted to discuss with me. God’s style sometimes amuses me. Over and over this week, the theme has been in front of me. I can’t ignore it.

Ok.

Last week, Erin posted information about a new syncro-blog she is co hosting with Glen Hager. What Would Jesus Do with the Church. They put a wonderful spin on it though. Instead of merely talking about what Jesus would do, the challenge is to put it in action … for the next 30 days and post updates, progress, thoughts.

I knew from the first moment what my action would have to be. As I said, I tried to ignore it; I argued with God, with myself. I whined, justified, talked myself out of it. But God would not let it go, would not let me let it go.

My action? Forgive.

UGH!

Forgiveness can be a wonderfully vague and esoteric principle to discuss, to aim for, to say that we need for ourselves and for others. In fact, we are quite happy to grab onto forgiveness for ourselves. But, what is forgiveness in action? Why is this direction I must take?

I love quotes. In fact, I love quotes so much that I have an entire tab devoted to quotes on my Google homepage. One of the reminders that God gave me this week came in the form of one of my daily quotes:

“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” — Buddha

I really didn’t think I was angry or still angry with the church. Maybe I’m not but there is definitely some room for extending forgiveness. I do know that I have been picking up hot coals to chuck at what I believe people have made of the church and I am the one suffering. No one can come near me because I have all these hot coals; I stand in judgment of the motives of men’s hearts; I construct a wall that will never bring me into fellowship with other believers.

Somewhere in the valid process of asking questions, I crossed my arms and began to judge what “churches” are doing. Somehow along the way, my freedom to be out of church became imprisoned by a judgmental attitude. Something now is stirring in me, urging me to let go of my bad attitude, my bitterness, my frustration; to move beyond deconstruction and engage in the process of reconstruction.

I have been engaged with conversations that point out that there is a system of religious obligation, defining the life of Christ by prescribing a particular set of principles, doctrines and practices that must be adhered to and that is a system that I have been rejecting. However, I had begun to create my own system of religious obligation … it was just a different set of principles, doctrines and practices. In my own mind, I was looking at this as as us vs. them which is not healthy at all but in reality, there really wasn’t much difference at the core.

Jesus didn’t have crossed arms. His arms were wide open, even to the cross. That is His love, His grace, His mercy. That is how I want to live my life. I am tired of questioning, weary of picking apart what others are doing. There is no life in that.

I think this all began to stir up in me as I have been attending Engage with my 20 yod and 18 yos. With the words of a recent video making the rounds echoing in my ears, I stood in numbness wondering how to participate in this worship experience. Here I was in the midst of a couple of hundred young adults and one of the unifying experiences, worshiping God, I wasn’t able to enter into because I was tearing it apart in my mind, judging.

A memory flooded my mind. Some wise words from a creative musician who led worship services at a church I used to attend. He talked about how we will sit in our pews, piously believing that our form of worship is better than another’s, exulting in the freedom that we have. As a new father, he related how his son drew him a picture of a duck. Why did his son do that? Because he loves his dad. He wanted to give him something to show his love. What if someone else came over and said, “That’s a duck? That’s an awful picture. That doesn’t look like a duck at all.” What audacity we have to judge the love that someone else is pouring out to their Father! Yeah, yeah, I know all about how it can all become a performance … how worship is so much more than Sunday morning experience … I have talked about those issues, wrote about them, wrestled with them. Bottom line for me now … guard my own heart that I don’t fall into performing and quit judging the heart motives of the worship leader and others who participate in that worship experience. Haven’t I just talked about how God wouldn’t let me let this forgiveness issue go? Isn’t He big enough to deal with each of us, where we need it, when and if we need it?

So, back to forgiveness in action and what I plan to do for the next 30 days.

I need to visit the congregations I have left behind. I need to visit with an open heart, with open arms and look for the love of God in those people. I need to leave my measuring stick at home.

Then I believe it’s time to move past deconstruction. I have sensed that this is the next step for me but it seems that others are stirring in the same direction. Paul Mayers has noted it and btw, has written an excellent three part series entitled the Journey of Constructive Deconstruction and Reconstruction. Erin might think I am copycatting her …

I need to go to church. I need to be a part of the body of Christ. It’s not happening here at home. Though I have wonderful online relationships, though I have strong friendships grounded in mutual love of Christ, I am back to saying, “there has to be more than this.”

Ironically, it is the very question that led me away from church. Now, it may well lead me back in.

I am so grateful for this season of detox, this fasting from what had become burdensome. God has taught me so much and challenged me in so many areas. There is no doubt that I am a different person; I have different things to offer the body of Christ now and I believe that I will probably choose an entirely different congregation. I hardly know where to start but I am taking Paul’s advice:

Here’s a suggestion, why not choose something outragiously opposite – struggling with church left behind [CLB] well why not try struggling with a church going too [CGT] instead? Can’t find a church that you like that does what you think a church should be doing – well why not start going to the one that offends you the least and start doing what you think should be done?

Seeking His Will . . .

Related Tags: What would Jesus do, church, forgiveness

Check out other participants in the What Would Jesus Do with the Church syncro-blog:

Glenn Hager
Gary Means
Alan Knox
The Refuge
Nate Peres
Sally Coleman
Barb
Rick Stillwell
Jeff Greathouse
Dan
Barbara Legere
Jonathan Brink
Jason Ellis
Rainer

~ by Cynthia on October 16, 2007.